How to Support a Gay or Lesbian Friend Coming Out

How to Support a Gay or Lesbian Friend Coming Out

Coming out is a deeply personal and often challenging experience for individuals within the LGBTQ+ community.

As a friend, being a trustworthy and supportive ally during this pivotal moment can have a profound impact on your relationship.

In this blog post, we’ll delve into the intricacies of supporting a gay friend when they come out, providing insights and actionable tips to navigate this journey together.

Understanding the Complexity:

Every coming out experience is unique, influenced by factors such as age, race, and identity. Genya Shimkin’s insight into LGBTQ+ education and health justice underscores the importance of empathy and understanding.

Always respect your friend’s readiness to share their truth. Remember that they have chosen to confide in you because they trust you.

Providing Support:

Begin by expressing gratitude for their trust and acknowledging the courage it takes to come out. Use open-ended questions to encourage them to share their feelings at their own pace. Inquire about their preferred pronouns and consider offering yours too – a simple yet impactful gesture.

How to Be Supportive:

When your friend comes out to you, it’s a significant moment that requires your genuine support and understanding. Here are some meaningful ways to be there for them:

1. Express Gratitude and Affirmation:

Start by expressing your gratitude for their trust in confiding in you. Let them know how much you value their friendship and admire their courage. Use affirming statements like “Thank you for sharing this with me” or “I’m here for you, no matter what.”

2. Acknowledge Their Courage:

Coming out can be an incredibly daunting step. Acknowledge their bravery in opening up about their identity. Let them know that you recognize the strength it takes to share such a personal aspect of themselves.

3. Ask Open-Ended Questions:

Engage in conversation by asking open-ended questions about their feelings and experiences. This shows that you’re interested in understanding their journey better. For example, ask questions like “How have you been feeling about this?” or “Can you tell me more about your journey?”

4. Use Preferred Pronouns:

Respecting your friend’s pronouns is crucial. If they have shared their preferred pronouns with you, make sure to use them consistently. If you’re unsure, don’t hesitate to ask. This simple act of respect goes a long way in showing your support.

5. Offer Your Own Pronouns:

Sharing your own pronouns, even if you identify as cisgender, can help create a more inclusive environment. It demonstrates your commitment to understanding and respecting gender diversity. You can say something like, “I’m [Your Name], and my pronouns are [Your Pronouns].”

6. Avoid Making Assumptions:

It’s important to avoid making assumptions about their experiences or identity. Even if you have good intentions, making assumptions can be hurtful or invalidating. Instead, listen to their words and let them guide the conversation.

7. Be an Active Listener:

Listen attentively without interrupting or judging. Let them share at their own pace and respond with empathy. Sometimes, just being there as a listening ear can provide immense comfort.

8. Offer Reassurance:

Let your friend know that your support is unwavering. Reassure them that they can always count on you to be there, both during this transition and in the future. Your consistent presence matters.

9. Educate Yourself:

Take the initiative to educate yourself about LGBTQ+ issues, terminology, and experiences. This effort shows that you’re committed to understanding their world and being a better ally.

10. Respect Their Confidentiality:

Your friend’s coming out is their story to tell. Respect their privacy and avoid sharing their information without their explicit consent. Outing someone to others can have serious consequences and potentially put them in uncomfortable situations.

11. Avoid Offering Unsolicited Advice:

While your intentions might be good, it’s essential to avoid giving unsolicited advice. Instead, focus on listening and understanding their feelings. If they seek advice, be ready to provide it in a supportive manner.

12. Celebrate Their Identity:

Celebrate your friend’s identity with them. If they’re comfortable, you can find ways to acknowledge and celebrate important milestones related to their identity, such as Pride Month or Transgender Day of Visibility.

Remember that being supportive means being patient, understanding, and willing to learn. Your role as a friend is to provide a safe space where they can be themselves without fear of judgment. Your support will have a lasting positive impact on their journey of self-discovery and self-acceptance.

Respecting Boundaries:

Respect their privacy by offering them an exit from the conversation if it becomes overwhelming. Consent and comfort should always be your guide. Approach sensitive topics delicately, such as asking if they would like you to use their chosen name and pronouns when discussing their past.

Using the Ring Theory:

The ring theory suggests that emotions should be directed towards the center (the person directly affected) and not away from it. Applying this theory can help you provide the right kind of support without overwhelming your friend.

Avoiding Hurtful Responses:

Avoid common mistakes like outing your friend to others. Their safety and well-being should be a top priority. Be cautious of how you respond, ensuring that your words and actions don’t unintentionally hurt them.

Sensitivity and Respect:

Shift the focus away from purely sexual aspects when someone comes out. Understand that queerness encompasses a wide spectrum beyond sexual orientation. Acknowledge the broader cultural, historical, and personal significance of coming out.

Dispelling Assumptions:

Challenge the misconception that coming out is just a phase. Share perspectives from both younger individuals and adults, highlighting the ongoing journey of self-discovery and growth.

The Decision to Come Out:

Coming out is a deeply personal decision. Acknowledge the societal pressure LGBTQ+ individuals face to conform to heteronormative standards. Encourage a shift in mindset from assuming orientations to respecting individual autonomy.


Supporting a friend who comes out requires empathy, respect, and open-mindedness.

Recap the key takeaways: express gratitude for their trust, offer meaningful support, respect their boundaries, use the ring theory, avoid hurtful responses, be sensitive, dispel assumptions, and understand the decision to come out.

Create a safe and inclusive environment by making inclusivity the default assumption.